“In 5-billion yrs the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.”

“As the mother of a teenage girl, I’m always searching for responsible female role models, especially because my daughter Jennifer is currently obsessed with Zooey Deschanel, the hipster goddess star of the hit series New Girl who also has a website called HelloGiggles, where she posts videos of herself singing while strumming a ukulele and wearing a tiara. As a parent, I’m concerned, because while Zooey is unbelievably charming and talented, she’s always revving up to flounce or twirl or collapse into an adorkable heap and ruffle her bangs, or to pout and whimper until someone hugs her and buys her a pony. Even Zooey’s name is curlicued and whimsical, as if she lives in an enchanted village where she can French-braid the manes of her pink plastic unicorns named Miranda July and Callista Gingrich. New Girl is one of the zillions of sitcoms cloned from Friends, and Max Greenfield is fantastic as a geeky stud, but as I’ve told Jennifer, in real life, when people over 30 share an apartment or spend all of their time hanging out together, it’s usually called a group home or a shelter.”